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Gwyneth Paltrow promoting Two Lovers at the 61st Cannes Film Festival. Photograph: Francois Mori/AP

This issue/episode/whatevs of Lost in Showbiz shall be a solemn meditation on the subject of What Else Can Your Celebrity Do? Because it’s not good enough, is it, for them just to do whatever it is they became famous for. Dance for me, loser, dance!

Celebrities want you to know that they don’t “just” act, they don’t “just” model: there is so much more depth beneath those shallow pools. Those who lack the foreign policy nous of Middle East diplomat Jude Law hire underlings to design clothing ranges because they’ve always been – self-deprecating chuckle – obsessed with fashion. Others go on reality TV shows where they will do such extraordinary things as wear no makeup and cry and be stuck in a room with Sue Perkins for a while. And then some celebrities turn to the internet.

MySpace has, of course, served as a most excellent forum for celebrities to get their all-too-often stifled voices out into the world, with Lindsay Lohan and Lily Allen being probably the most frequently heard, although Leonardo DiCaprio’s page (“I am an actor and an environmental activist”) is occasionally worth checking out, too.

One really needs to go to tomcruise.com in person to see a true messiah complex in action, and also, of course, to read the “message from Tom” (“There are so many more stories to be told” – oh Tom, aren’t there just.)

But a new standard has been set this week by Gwyneth Paltrow and the launch of her website, Goop.com.

To give you a bit of recent Paltrow context, Lost in Showbiz was privileged – nay, blessed – to watch her on Oprah Winfrey last week. Admittedly the descriptions of her daily workouts with a personal trainer were just fascinating but I think the most thrilling moment was when Gwyneth discussed her friendship with Madonna, which Lost in Showbiz always hoped might develop into a kind of Thelma and Louise scenario. Anyway, Madonna “has an amazing dichotomy” (huh, shouldn’t she get a cream for that?) and is “such an intelligent person”. How intelligent, Gwyneth? “She really rearranged my molecules.” Blow me, even those idiots at Cern couldn’t manage that one. Oh, and Madonna’s kids are “just phenomenal”. How so? “Well, they’re just really polite.”

And now, via the medium of the interweb, Gwyneth has, to her extraordinary credit, found a way to be even more annoying. This is not some poxy “here’s my CV” website. No, Gwynnie wants to help you – you dumpy, gross, animal-fat-injesting freaks – be more pure like her. Excited already!

Launching this week, the intriguingly named Goop.com will teach you how to “nourish what is real”. Learn from Gwyneth, is the motto here, and who wouldn’t want to? Why, in her mission statement she assures us, “I love being in spaces that are clean and feel nice.” It’s like sitting at the knee of Thomas Aquinas.

Best of all is the promise that Gwyneth will share “some thoughts from one of my sages”. Gwyneth’s sages! And people say the internet is just full of half-assed crap. Obviously, Lost in Showbiz has already signed up for the newsletter because if there’s any woman who can help this column “nourish the inner aspect”, then you just know it’s going to be a woman who had to be hospitalised this year while it was reported that she was on a five-day fast. Oh, how my inner aspect feels so nourished already.